Six Flags to change name to Five Flags

In a press statement on August 5, 2020, Six Flags announced it would be changing its name to Five Flags.  The well-known amusement park company opened to the public on August 5, 1961.  Six Flags was named after the six different flags that have flown over Texas including the ruling flags of France, Spain, Mexico, Confederacy, Texas, and the U.S.A.

Texans, known the world over for their cultural pride, began picketing many of the 26 Six Flags locations throughout North America in June of this year. The organizers, All Flags Are Racist (AFAR), have demonstrated peacefully.  Unlike similar groups in the nation, members of AFAR have only resorted to laser lights, body armor, spray paint, and incendiary devices when their feelings have been super-duper hurt (measuring offenses ranking no lower than 7 on the traditional 10-point immaturity scale, otherwise know as the “Pelosi Acosta Nadler Immaturity Criterion” or PANIC scale).

“We demand the immediate removal of the confederate flag from all corporate identities of the Six Flags Company,” said AFAR leadership. “Six Flags has brought decades of unhappiness to children and families around the nation.”

Through a cascade of tears, one protestor, (who wished to remain anonymous), said, “my children are terrified of the Six Flags name and imagery. It’s an insult to the heritage of Texans everywhere. It’s time to stop wounding the youth of America with our poisonous history.”

Turn Texas Blue, an organization actively working to grow Democrat voters in Texas, weighed in yesterday on Twitter, saying, “Can’t wait until they start losing business over this issue, maybe that will get these southern rednecks to learn what bigotry and hypocrisy are really all about.” The group said that they longed for the day when Texans could earnestly admit to their “deep-seated feelings of white privilege that date back to James Bowie and Davey Crockett at the Alamo.”

On their website, Six Flags posted a heartfelt apology to all the children of Texas. “It is with utmost sincerity that we at Six Flags apologize for the white privilege we have perpetrated on Americans by creating a constant reminder that there have been six flags that have flown over our great state. We hope, in some small way, we can contribute to permanently erasing that history. In our brave new world, we long for the day when no child who rides on the Nitro or Bizarro rides will ever have their thrill dampened by the knowledge of their own racist DNA.”

The name change will happen during the off season, sometime later this year and is expected to cost the company at least $1.5B for new business cards, marketing, logos, and branding efforts. Antifa recently chimed in on the issue, suggesting that the company keep the Six Flags name by merely changing the Confederate flag to an Antifa flag. Antifa cited the monetary savings and more importantly acknowledging that Texas will be under the rule of Antifa in the near future. Six Flags is said to be considering the recommendation strongly and has offered free park entry to any Antifa member with a flashblind laser or Molotov cocktail when presented at the gate.

One corporate VP said, “we feel very good about the careful wording of our apology to the proud and woke citizens of the great state of Texas.”

Sources kind of familiar with the company reported that once the name change has been completed, the company will begin taking bold steps to address other naming and identity issues (including the moniker of one of their most popular rides, “El Toro”).

(photo by Gabriel Valdez on Unsplash)

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